A Tailspin Into A Child's Darkness. A Mother's Story

He stepped out of his darkness and met me in the single bulb light of the hallway. At the time, I didn't realize that he had probably been waiting for me to get up. But standing there, in his boxers, there was tension and a sense of urgency. It was three in the morning.
"Honey, what are you doing up. It's early."
"I need to talk to you."
"Can it wait until I get home from work, I'm late."
"I can't do this, anymore, Mom. I've been dealing with this alone for a very long time. I need help."

In that short exchange, our worlds would suddenly become different, his sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Mine, would cause self doubt about my abilities as a mother, to help him.

He was perfect. The perfect pregnancy, a perfect and quick delivery. It took his father and I four and a half agonizing years to conceive. I knew because of my work schedule and the anxiety each month of discovering I wasn't pregnant yet. It was 1992,  and I was managing a children's shoe store in San Mateo, CA. Having been promoted to manager and having my own store was exciting. I commuted the two hour drive from our small home in Santa Rosa to Johannsen's Shoes for Children after we discovered our current manager was using store money to feed his cocaine addiction. I had every intent of relocating, but housing was expensive, and I was reluctant to leave Sonoma County.